there's a lot of things flashing thru my mind just now.
things that made me feel very upset and disappointed..
i felt i'm someone "extra" and i shouldn't be here.
if i'm not here, i think they will treasure my mom more.
i don't have to be taken for granted.
i was in the school busy doing my project.
his work is having a break for CNY...
he said he will cook today, yes he did.
i asked him to help mom do smth which i do it everyday,
he did not, and i think he is reluctant to do it.
we learnt it from the nurse TOGETHER.
he's suppose to help me out when i'm busy.
i do it everyday despite being busy, i do so much more than him.
i rush here and there almost everyday, just for mom and him.
and guess what, after he cook.. he just went out to drink.
he came back after i did, to have his dinner.
he cooked, he didn't eat first, instead he went to DRINK!
don't you find it ridiculous? he went out specially to drink!
he keep saying he have no money, no money to pay electrical bill
but yet he got lots of money to SMOKE & DRINK!
i asked him what if something happened to me and i died,
what will happen? he keeps quiet.
i asked him, if he is the one who is sick and he wants to bath,
but he is not allowed to... how will he feel?
he just told me if he's sick, he will be dead.
u see... HE DON'T GET WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY!
i feel so... disappointed with him.
at the same time, i'm thinking if there's no ME.
will he be acting this way, or he will be taking good care of his wife.
i don't wish to be taken for granted.
i don't need him to repay me anything.
i only wish he can be a good husband & father.
i only wish for them to be happy and healthy..
and to love me like how they used to.
is it very difficult? sigh.....

another he... suddenly came back from work.
mom ask me to let him drink soup..
but only left a small bowl.
he told me he don't want any soup.
but mom keep insisting he must drink.
mom ask me to drink half and give him the rest.
when i pass him the bowl, i get stupid attitude from him.
even tho i wanted to drink the soup so much, i can only drink half of it.
while the other person was being forced to drink it.
if there's no me, he'll probably drink it all up without having
the chance to attitude me.

today was just ONE of the most disappointing night.
yes i know tmr will be a better day.
but i'll nv know when i will be feeling worse.
and i know i will be crying to myself again...
when will this ever stop.......

where were you when i needed you most?
sigh.